Reflections 2018

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It’s that time of the year again. I guess it’s needless to say that I had so many plans but it all turned out very different. I’ve kinda lost and found myself again. I also lost things and people who previously were important to me and found others who are important to me now. I had gained 10 pounds and lost 15. I had evolved a lot in my physical yoga practice only to fall sick again and being unable to do things anymore that had previously worked so hard on. In fact my illness played a big part in 2018. I mostly dedicated the entire year to getting healthy again and in the end still had to have another surgery. It all went a bit ironic but I believe that the universe always wanted me to get on that path where I am now. I just needed a little time to finally see and admit it to myself. In the end I am not mad about how things turned out. 2018 for sure was a struggle but it was all so worth it. I view 2018 as a sort of bigger brother of 2017. And as my friend and mentor Rachel Hanberry said 2018 really was about mastering 2017. In fact so many things I thought I had already dealt with came back up for me this year and I literally had to master them on a deeper level.

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 At the beginning of 2018 I was writing my thesis while trying to expand my yoga business at the same time. My days were packed with practicing yoga in the morning, writing my thesis in the afternoon & teaching yoga in the evening. I remember handing in my thesis at the beginning of March. I also remember reaching out to someone from my past at the same time, which didn’t go as planned. As a result of all that stress I ended up at the emergency room again. They wanted to operate on me again right away but I discharged myself. From that day on it was basically a downhill ride. There was so much hope and I literally tried everything I could and dedicated a lot of time this year to get healthy again. In summer I went to Greece with my mom for a week. I seemed to be doing a lot better so I decided to expand on my yoga business again and even to open up to love. But life had different plans for me.

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So at the beginning of October I had another more extensive surgery. The endometriosis lining wasn’t just in my female organs but all over my intestines. They also found multiple cysts and a tiny tumor in my abdomen. My right thigh is still numb but other than that it all went very well. It just took me a while to recover and my hair fell out from anesthesia so I cut it off. 4 weeks after the surgery I decided on going to London with my friend Louise. And even though Louise was anxious I wouldn’t make it, I did and it turned out to be one of my highlights of 2018. Aside from indulging in very yummy food we got to go to a workshop lead by Jessica Olie.

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After coming home again my energy levels dropped so I again had to take a big break. I don’t even know how I could still keep up with instagram and my website/ blog throughout this time but I guess I must just really love you guys. The last couple of weeks of the year went by in a rush. I had to make new adjustments with my disease and make heart-felt career changes. But I also got to meet Ashley and her husband for the first time in real life and it’s safe to say that they are both very inspiring souls and there’s definitely more of us to come for you next year. I also realized I didn’t have anything threatening to worry about anymore which scared me so much because I’ve always had major things to worry about growing up and I honestly thought that life always had to suck a tiny bit which is not the case at all.

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 See, this year was full of lessons for me. I’ve been to the ER more than some go on vacation, in fact I didn’t travel much at all except when I was packing my bags for the hospital. But I don’t want anyone to pity me. Falling sick is definitely not how I imagined my 20s to be, but at the same time I am really grateful I got to learn so much about the essentials of life at such a young age. Maybe you just have to hit rock bottom to once again start fresh. So many things came to an end in the last couple of years but only so that better things could fall together.

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 If things would’ve been only slightly different I might not even be alive right now anymore. The pain of my disease can be unreal but now that I feel better I can finally share that over the past 2 years I thought that I was dying more than 5 times, which majorly put everything in perspective. But I’m so glad I pushed through this. I am so grateful for this life. But these moments shaped me, changed me. I have changed so much, which is probably in dismay to some. But I don’t mind because I did it for me. The people I look up to say that I have grown into this amazing, strong woman they always thought I am deep down and their opinion is the only opinion that matters to me.

 I originally planned on going on vacation over Christmas and NYE, but I ended up having the flu. Yet I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Ever since this happened I’m always seeing the numbers 222, which means that everything will make sense in the long run. I do believe in this. After all I had to realize that no matter where I am in the world I AM SAFE NOW and nobody and nothing can hurt me anymore. Lastly I want to thank all of you for following me and for interacting with me and commenting on my story on a daily basis. You gave me so much strength to push through. And for that I will always be grateful. For now I don’t know if I am able to keep staying healthy but I will try my hardest and continue to putting myself and my health first and sharing my steps along the way. Happy New Year Everyone! 

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