The Fear of Commitment
Disclaimer! This won’t be your average blog post.
I have been self-analyzing myself for the longest time now, constantly trying to improve in some ways or areas of life and trying to find myself, while blogging about life, yoga, women’s health etc. I’ve had this website for over a year now and this is the third time I changed my name. This time it had stick, it should really show my soul in its purest essence. So I ended up changing it into my actual REAL name, which was probably one of the scariest things I have ever done to be honest. But it just didn’t feel right anymore, sharing things about being 100% honest, being your true self, owning your story while I was myself hiding behind a name that was only partly me. It made me realize that I have been scared of making a real commitment all my life, which eventually lead to my mission being wishy-washy. When I talk about the fear of making a commitment I don’t just mean committing to a romantic relationship – even though that played a big part too – but what I really mean is, I was only taking a dip but was majorly terrified to fully commit to many things in my life, not because I didn’t want them but because I was too afraid of being open and vulnerable and to possibly fail.
My fear of making commitments probably had climaxed over these last 2 years. I was so afraid of taking the next step I ended up being stagnant. Though, I did have thousands of ideas in my head, thousands of options coming my way, but my fear was always loader…
‘BUT WHAT IF YOU FAIL?’
But what does that have to do with your third name change? – You might ask? - Well, over 1½years ago when I was still TheCarolineCase but intended to be a full-time yoga teacher I changed my name to CarolineBlakeYoga, so that everyone could see I was really into yoga. ‘Blake’ was actually only a name I found online that sounded nice.
‘I like Blake Lively, so why not?’, I though to myself back then.
I made up the excuse that my family might not like the idea of having the family name online and to ultimately having a backdoor open if I ever intend to go back to the corporate world. Then this years in April my endometriosis came back and I was unable to do as much yoga anymore but still wanted to blog about wellness and my life in general, so I went back to TheCarolineCase. But then in summer I was feeling better again and I wanted to promote a yoga class, so I went back to CarolineBlakeYoga. Then I got sick again and had surgery and wanted to post about it on my social media. See the dilemma? I realized I had to come up with something new, something better, something more general, something more constant, but at the same time something very raw. It was easy hiding behind a different name and sharing things online, it was kind of like wearing a mask and only giving a vague idea of whom I really was. And frankly, at the beginning of this year I still had no idea who I really was/ am myself.
So I’ve done some major soul searching about whom I am and what I really want to do with my life. The truth is, I am not even the same person I was yesterday, I am constantly changing and so is everyone. Each day I want to be a better version of yesterday, always changing for the better (obviously this is highly judgmental and only my perception of what “better” might look like).
I was looking for something constant in my life, a rock or the roots that would hold it all together. Of course, the most constant definition of myself is the name I was given when I was born! But I was still so terrified to put my name out there.
‘What will people think?’, ‘What if this is a major fail?’
When I was still CarolineBlakeYoga I could’ve at least pretended that this is not my website. But I believe that there’s only one Caroline Stanienda in the world.
‘But do I really want to be with people that don’t want to see the real me?’
‘But do I really want to work for people that don’t like the real me?’
‘So what, if I fail? If everything in life is only a lesson for us to evolve from anyway?’
So I finally took the plunge… no more hiding.
Today I am…
Today I am a yoga teacher.
Today I am a writer.
Today I am happy.
Today I am also a bit tired…
But this might all change in a heartbeat!
But I am Caroline Stanienda and this is constant.
I commit to the real me. I commit to sharing my soul in its purest form on here from now on. No labels. This is just me.
Ultimately, a great passion of mine is helping other people. So what can you, as a reader, take away from this? Well, I know it’s easier said than done but try to be as honest as you can be with yourself. What is your heart calling you to do? Try to only admit it to yourself in thoughts at first. Own it and choose whether you want to act upon it. And then commit to it, knowing that this is really something you are here for. Again, you don’t actively have to tell anyone – MORE MOVES, LESS ANOUNCEMENTS! In other words, trust your gut!!!! Are you scared? Is it keeping you up at night? Good! Step into this fear. Make your actions loader than your fear.
P.S. If my English professor ever sees this post, she’ll probably end up hating the format and the structure. Where’s the silver lining? Where’s your thesis? Where are your topic sentences? BUT THIS ME. I literally just put my raw thoughts on paper and that’s how they came out. This is so not to impress anyone with my writing skills ;) #justsaying
P.P.S. I’m not saying that using a synonym online is ‘bad’ it is just not for me. Or maybe I’m just not creative enough to come up with a good one. Who knows? ;)